You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and who knows? Maybe you’ll even vote.
With the Chiba Prefecture gubernatorial election a little over a week away, the time has come for each candidate to be given their allotted time on public broadcaster NHK to explain their platform to the masses.
All eyes were on Basic Income Party candidate Teruki Goto, because of his track record for jaw-dropping televised displays. In previous NHK speeches he was censored for foul language 21 times while simulating fellatio on camera and in a subsequent speech stripped down to a dirty diaper and climbed on the table.
However, this time Goto appeared very conservatively dressed, with neatly combed hair and eyeglasses which he’s never worn before. It was as if he had changed his ways and had something uncharacteristically serious to say.
His motive became clear shortly into his speech which we have partially translated and transcribed here:
“I’m in love with Chinatsu-san. I love you. I have loved you until now and love you from now forever and ever.
The ways I love you are:
The way your heart is a beautifully bright.
The way you are kind.
The way you laugh excitedly about trivial things that gives me the best feeling in the universe.
The way you are cute.
The way you are pretty.
The way you are serious.
The way you show a passion for learning.
The way you are positive.
The way you are innocent.
The way you are not pushy.
The way you are brave.
The way your are full of life.
The way you treasure your family.
The way you are sociable.
The way you are active.
The way you work fast.
The way you kindly make the safest and most delicious food in the universe using purified water, no frozen foods with additives, and no microwaves, just the way I like it.
The way you have keen senses and are quick to remember anything.
The way you keep your commitments.
The way you feel things deeply.
The way you are strongly determined to the core.
The way you take the initiative to do your own cleaning and laundry without anyone’s help.
The way you appreciate beauty.
The way you are on top of things.
The way you understand people’s pain.
The way you accept things and don’t deny them even if they are unusual.
The way you are able to think openly no matter what the situation.
The way you don’t speak ill of past boyfriends.
The way we sometimes fight but resolve it in a way that we never have the same fight.
The way you have a high ability to learn new things.
The way you believed in Santa until you were in the eighth grade.
The way you love all nature from dogs to cats to insects.
The way you showed appreciation to your parents for working hard to raise you by giving them presents such as writing letters to your father and slipping them in his work bag.
The way you saved the lives of two kittens by finding them a home when you were in third grade.
The way you protected a child who was being bullied when you were in fourth grade.
There are still many, many ways I love you.”
Goto’s profession of love for his girlfriend continues for another three minutes or so as he recounts past experiences they shared, and took some time to thank COVID-19 – which he referred to as “the cupid of love” – for creating the circumstances that, while very difficult for everyone, allowed his love to blossom.
In his closing minute he then got to the crux of his political argument.
Will you marry me?
I swear my love will never change, so can we spend the rest of our lives together as one? As a person, as a politician, the excellence of our union will be proof that marriage in the best graveyard there is.”
The last line is referring to an old, cynical Japanese expression: “Marriage is the graveyard of life.” It means marriage is the end of many freedoms that come with single life, and Goto referred to it earlier is his political speech, saying that if that is the case, it will be the best graveyard he could ever imagine.
It is arguably the most passionate political speech in the history of Japan, but Goto still has his work cut out for him in this election. Although they are politically aligned and often work together, Goto’s biggest competition in this election has got to be Yusuke Kawai.
Known for his resemblance to the supervillain The Joker, Kawai has been steadily gaining a lot of momentum in his campaign, getting coverage in the media worldwide. He recently released a promotional music video, in which Goto makes a cameo appearance.
Kawai also had his time on NHK and presented his incredibly ambitious plan to rejuvenate Chiba Prefecture with his Party to Make All of Chiba a Land of Dreams and Magic (the name is apparently inspired by how Tokyo Disneyland bills itself as “The Land of Dreams and Magic”).
His platform includes the following goals:
- Make a big red tower in Chiba and make it the real Tokyo Tower, because Tokyo Disneyland and Tokyo German Village are already in Chiba anyway
- Rename Narita Airport as “Disney Sky”
- Refer to all “yankees” [a Japanese term for anti-social youths] as “Olaf” to make them more lovable
- Refer to all garbage as “stardust” with burnable stardust collection on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Residents are also asked to separate their organic stardust
- Crosswalks will all play Disney music such as the Pirates of the Caribbean theme
- Make “Let It Go” the official song of Chiba
- Place Hidden Chi-Ba-Kuns [the yurukyara mascot of Chiba] everywhere (similar to the “Hidden Mickeys” at Disneyland)
- Rename Makuhari Station as “This Is Not the Closest Station to Makuhari Messe Convention Center Station,” because a lot of people mistakenly think it is
He also took some time to declare his rival anti-mask candidate “human garbage” but later corrected himself that the man is actually “human stardust.”
There’re six other candidates too, but who can think about them with all this love and magic in the air?
▼ We will, however, give an honorable mention to Kenichiro Kato who declares himself the “Biden of Chiba” and promises to use his powers as governor to allow 70-year-olds to procreate, create an outer-space electromagnetic war research center, marry Tokyo Governor Yuriko Koike, and more.
Will Chinatsu accept Goto’s proposal? Will Kawai’s delightfully sinister scheme to steal Tokyo Tower succeed? Will Kato use his authority as governor and newfound genetically modified fertility to seduce his Tokyo counterpart?
Find out on 21 March when Japan’s most exciting election ever comes to a close!
Source: YouTube/Goto Teruki, YouTube/Kawai Yusuke [Kawapa Official] Channel, Hachima Kiko
Top image: YouTube/Kawai Yusuke [Kawapa Official] Channel
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